So there we were nursing gin and tonics at the bar in Jackie O’s, one of the few places in Canitas where the girls will talk to a guy with a t-shirt and a scraggly beard.
Jackie O’s has got it right. Steep price to get in but reward you with free booze tickets. Forced consumption. Make these Argies down a few cold ones for a change.
It’s all about the 3rd floor. Unfortunately management, the entire cheta community, and the old lady who lives below me know this. The only bar I’ve been to where you have to queue up twice. At least you can do the second line with drink in hand.
Which we did. I stuck with the gin tonics. They taste like Christmas. Apparently my opinion is very much in the minority. One empty glass and a couple of work-related awkward encounters later we made it to the sacred third floor.
Immediately my drunken robocop vision clicked on. Scan room. Size up all females within 5m proximity. Estrogen detection meter: engaged.
Patrik bought a round of fernets. We toasted. And the night was summoned.
We’ve all got different tactics. Patrik milks the Scandinavian card. David roughs up his already badboy image. My strategy is the anti-approach: random sporadic bursts of pick-up lines that function in direct proportion to my roller coaster-like self-esteem. It’s usually awkward and self-deflating with a sprinkle of inward entertainment. But every blue moon my quirky antics are aligned with the stars and my overly genuine, extremely verbal ejaculations come across as charming.
Patrik: Well in my country…..oh really? [insert humorous cultural observation]
David: ….[insert playful insult] All girl catholic school huh? Did your curiosity ever….
Me: So what’s your favorite colectivo line?
Highly unoriginal yet flawlessly presented, Patrik and David have captivated their respective prey. Poor Henry (in all of his imaginative banter) can only provoke forced yawns, inattentive answers, and bodily gestures that would seem crystal clear to my 4 year old niece. I shudder at the internal monologue that was going through their head: ”Who is this guy?” ”I don’t ride those dirty buses?” ”Should I fake a cell phone call?” Do we really live in a world where preprogrammed mechanical speech triumphs over originality.
And then it happened. I had gone downstairs to avoid the barbarity of elbowing the masses to get a drink. The hostess girl was a super hottie and I caught myself gazing when her phone went off and she stepped outside to hear her caller. In doing so she left a fat stack of free drink cards just sitting on her stool all alone.
I only had seconds to react. So I pretended to take a call, edged my way to the drink tickets, put my back to the bar, and skimmed about 20 off the top.
All that talk we hear about the joy of giving- bullshit compared to my newfound joy of stealing. It was totally exhilarating!! What a rush!
Up the stairs I flew bursting with anxiety to boast to the fellas of my recent acquisition.
Just in time. They were playing paper-rock-scissors for the next round. The look upon their face at first sight of my new prized possessions was one of sheer and utter awe. There are ironically few achievements in my life that have earned me as much peer respect. As drunk as we were, things were about to get heavy.
Here ya go Patrik (four in hand). Here ya go David (another four). Yours truly had the perfect revenge plan…..
I knew that consistently using the free tickets would raise a few eyebrows. So I looked for the bitchiest-looking girls (some that I’d spoken to) and proceeded to act….
Me: Hey, I’m new in town and thinking of opening a bar around here. Can I get you a drink?
Possible Bitch: (slightly suspicious) Alright. Dale
Me: (handing her 2 tickets). Would you mind ordering, otherwise we’ll be here all night.
We approach the bar
Possible Bitch: (eyes roll, but recognizes reality) Ok. Fine.
Me: Gin and tonic please.
Three minutes later….
Me: (drink in hand) Yeah…I’m not new here, I’m not rich and opening a bar. Go away.
What a shocker indeed!! The first time doing it, there was some guilt- only natural. But after doing it several times and considering my state of drunkenness, it was most fun I’d had in years!! If only my buddies could’ve been present to witness my mischief.
Closing on 5:00am with plenty of free tickets to spare, there was a mutual decision to head on home. This could’ve, would’ve, should’ve been the end of a long night of debauchery but fate wasn’t done playing games…..
TO BE CONTINUED
