No Means Maybe: The Porteño colloquial and the language of love (a brief introduction)
It’s true. Porteños hold a different attitude toward the spoken word. This is a city where common phrases including, “I’ll call you,” “see you soon,” or “I’m on my way,” are works of only the purest fiction. Newly arrived visitors will wearily wait hours, days or even weeks for a phone call to be returned. They will be left all dressed up with nothing to do on Friday night having naively interpreted a friend’s vague “salimos viernes” as concrete arrangements for an evening out. (tip: to avoid such misinterpretations, be very specific when making plans with your Porteño friends by confirming a time, date and location).
In Buenos Aires, even the meaning of a word as simple as “no” is fuzzy—especially when this word is used in the context of a conversation spoken in the international language of love. As a visitor you may be hoping, or even expecting, to find a cute young Argentine to tutor you in this language. But without a few precursory lessons, you could find yourself confused, trapped for hours in unwanted conversation, or worse, giving the wrong impression.
LESSON 1: “No” means “Maybe”
This lesson is quite simple. When a woman politely tells a man “no” here in BsAs, it’s not understood as a clear indication of disinterest. Rather, the word “no” is more a platform for further negotiations. A local friend explained to me that this is a sort of test. If a man is truly attracted to a woman, he will try twice. The second attempt is typically a more creative endeavor, and if executed with savvy, could pay off in the end.
But what does a girl do if she really wants to say, “no”? There are several ways of doing this. Most local women opt for the aggressive “NO!” combined with the facial expression of pure disgust. I have also seen Argentine women go so far as to slap or shove those men whose approach was deemed too crude or aggressive. While these are perfectly acceptable forms of rejection, the etiquette that is now so deeply engrained in my mind keeps me from being so abrupt. Rather, I usually choose the polite yet firm “no.” If the gentleman persists, I never hesitate to tell him that I have a boyfriend. So what if it’s a lie! It’s an easy way to get rid of the guy without being too forceful.
10 Comments for Dating Guys and Girls in Argentina
Excellent article containing important lessons! A must-read for female visitors.
Great piece! The No = Not No is SUPER important to know and its a lesson we all learn more than a few times. With close ¨friends¨ I find it difficult to get that point across but I never resort to voilence because thats a big nono – un falto de respeto …aunque es mas feo tirar onda hasta el punto de cansancio..HOWEVER…ojo.. i never hesitate to slap a stranger or some re ugly who thinks they are your friend if they have gone too far. Ill send this article to a few creeps who tricked me into accepting them on facebook and msn.
GIRL POWAH!!!!
How about one for the guys about the girls here?!
Ok, enough is enough. I have been here for three years now, and coming from Britain where we are all supposedly cold, (not something i wholeheartedly disagree with) i am fed up with hearing expat women bitching and moaning about argentinian men. Yes there are sleazes, but please, walk into any pub/bar in states/uk dnd you will find the same, albeit a little more subtle, but lets not forget folks…..we are in SOUTH AMERICA….this is not the continent for subtle, if you thought it was maybe its time to go elsewhere. Having said that i fear these expat women are tarring everyone with this same, rather old tattered and somewhat pesismistic brush.
Oh no! Please do not take this article in that way!
My intentions in writing this article were not to offend or bash anyone. The (unfortunate) truth is that when a young woman arrives in Buenos Aires, the first men that she meets are those pesky bar monkeys that you'll find nearly anywhere in the world. The "no means maybe" idea isn't necessarily a bad thing, and in the right situation can even be a lot of fun! The key is that visiting women should know the rules of the game before playing.
Give the article another read. I didn't write it about those "sleazes" (and absolutely did not say that all Argentine men are like that), but more about the rules to the dating game are a little different here. That's all.
Bien dicho
¡Qué ridículo!
Es una simplificación bastante burda.
Los comentarios que leí me parecen patéticos.
¿Por qué no se van a hacer antropología barata a sus países?
¡Jua! Que es más patético:
1. Burlando de un análisis de las diferencias entre la cultura porteño y lo de la gente ingles-hablante
O…
2. La falla de reconocer que hayan algunas verdades en el articulo?
Fuiste un lugar afuera de Argentina? Notaste diferencias? Si discutieras las diferencias sería patético?
Well, without trying to offend anyone, being born in Bs.As. I can say that this "no=maybe" stuff is crap. It's the reason men believe that with saying no they have the right to come unto you and try to put their hands all over you, and it's the reason they are so pushy and treat you like a bitch if you really meant to say no.
If a friend from other countries came here, I would advise her to be very aware of body language. People here are friendly, and we kiss everybody, but it's easy to tell if this attittude is friendly or if it is an invitation to something else. If a guy just hugs you: friend. If he hugs you and stays a few seconds: wants something else. It's common sense really. If you mean to say "no", say it firmly and don't avoid eye contact. I never saw a girl slapping a guy, and I never had to do it. You don't have to be rude, just be firm and state your intentions. If the guy is really demanding, I agree that some excuse will do. If the guy gets really annoying, there's always someone at the place you can ask for help (some security guy, some bar tender or someone else working at the place).
Finally, don't accept anything unless you are "willing to buy"… I mean, if you are not interested in a guy, but you accept a drink from him he will either interpret that you are interested or, when you finally say no, that you are a "calientapavas"* or some other less gentle curses.
*"calientapavas" is a girl that sets the hopes high and then shows no interest. Literally, it means to boil water and the whole phrase was "calienta la pava y no toma el mate", meaning that you boil the water for the infusion and then don't drink it (I think you all know what it really means
)
nice….
well said elke,
no me importa si no tomas el mate,
sos caliente