Special massage parlors are plentiful throughout Buenos Aires, Argentina. Choose wisely my Darkside friends, as many of these massage parlors only feign actual massage skills. In these meeker massage parlors the female masseuses initially make their best attempts at massages by slobbing some lotion on your back and then quickly angling for sex and other assorted services shortly into the service. If you want sex, then go to a brothel. If you want a real massage with a happy ending, then search around for the right massage parlor or spa that offers these handy services.
Be sure to call ahead and make an appointment. These places can be busy and masseuses plan their lunch and break hours around their scheduled appointments.
How does one “know”? There are a few obvious signs, but be sure to ask the receptionist if they offer “relax” which is code for the happy finish. This will ensure that you have identified the right type of massage parlor. Hints that you are heading in the right direction are if the staff on the web site have sexy or seductive, yet clothed photos. If they are full on nudes then this will be more of a brothel than a good massage parlor.
What to expect: Go to the spa or massage parlor at the scheduled time and you will be welcomed by a hostess. She will show you to a massage room and present the available masseuses. Be sure to ask what massages they specialize in if you know what you like (reflexology, shiatsu, deep tissue, etc.). Select your masseuse and the hostess will ask you to pay upfront. Most places will include the “relax” in the hourly rate, but be sure to ask just in case.
The masseuses could care less if you are hairy, built, fat or skinny. They do care if you smell or have managed to avoid basic hygiene. Going straight from the gym to the massage table is not smiled upon, nor is having mud-butt. Take a shower before you go.
The masseuse will kindly ask you to strip and lie belly down on the massage table. Let the fun commence! If you’ve paid for an hour massage, then at about the 40-minute mark the masseuse will ask you to roll over or haces una vuelta. To protect themselves from any faux pas they will ask if you want the “relax”. Some places will offer additional options for extra fees, while others will go no further than the happy finish or relax manual. The masseuse will let you know at this point of the massage.
Don’t be “that guy”: If the masseuse doesn’t offer a blowjob at this point then she probably takes her job seriously. It’s likely that she’s noticed that her clientele’s generosity increases substantially when she massages all parts of the body, but has decided that she does not wish to do anything beyond that for personal reasons.
Don’t be rude, take what you get and seek a spa that does offer more elaborate sexual happy endings in the future. Be warned though that if you decide to seek out that $20 peso massage special from the flyer you picked up on Avenida Corrientes, well…it might be less than attractive surroundings.
Post-massage your masseuse will offer you the bathroom for a shower and prep the water for you. I wouldn’t worry about leaving your pants and clothes in the massage room. The spa’s reputation is very important. Tainting their reputation for a couple of hundred pesos is not worth it. They would rather see you return and tell your buddies about the place.
Tipping the masseuse is customary, about 10-15% should do. Maybe more if you are feeling generous or if she did a particularly good job.
Good luck and have fun!
The LandingPadBA Darkside