Soon after my arrival to Buenos Aires, I stumbled upon a review for the restaurant Te Mataré Ramirez (I Will Kill You Ramirez). Sounds appetizing right? Well, their tagline, “comida afordisíaca” (aphrodisiac food), quickly peaked my interest. Their description promised to tease my pallet with seductive entrees and flirtatious cocktails. Already intrigued, my excitement was further spiked with promotions of erotic theater every Thursday. I spent the following Thursday evening carefully constructing a racy outfit with the right balance of vamp and class, the perfect ensemble to embark on an erotic dinner theater adventure with friends.
The show started at ten, so we hopped into a cab at 9:30. Having made reservations for 9:45, our cab sped comfortably through the city to the heart of Palermo Soho. The anticipation only grew as the cab jolted to a stop in front of the curious facade of the restaurant. Standing outside, I could make out lush red velvet curtains inviting me into a world of sex and intrigue. The hostess, who reminded of a classy escort, showed us to our table and handed us austere black leather menus. I was immersed in a world of promiscuity. One wall was lined with mirrors, the other lined with overtly sexual paintings. During a quick venture upstairs to visit the bathroom, I wandered into a room with a mirrored ceiling, filled with lush red velvet seats…ooh la la…
Finally it came time to open the menu and indulge. The descriptions of the meals enticed all senses and each page featured distinctive yet tastefully pornographic drawings. The margins of the menu were filled with sensual poetry, uniting the passions for food and sex. My eyes devoured the menu choices, but I finally settled on the dish, “Inflamed, I beg that you spill all over my body,” a luscious vegetarian lasagna with cherry confit. Others debated over dishes, such as “You cuddle in my lap while you smell of glory” and “Possessed and carnal, I was no more.” The cocktails were equally sensual and as soon as I received my lemon ginger cocktail the lights dimmed, signaling the start of the show. I must pause to make a small note, I had no clue what I was getting into. All I knew was what I had read in a guidebook, “erotic theater on Thursdays.” The rest was left up to imagination. With music pumping, four performers ran out dressed in police officer costumes dancing beguilingly on the stage. Yet, as soon as they got to the stage, they hid behind a half wall.
This opened up the perfect opportunity for my food to arrive. The presentation was breathtaking. My lasagna was a beautiful tower, with complex, multi-dimensional flavors captivating my taste buds. A dramatic minute of indulgence later, the lights lowered once again, the actors popped out from behind the wall, puppets in hand. Yes, PUPPETS. Not just ordinary puppets, however. puppets endowed with rather impressive gonads. Sexy puppets. For the next hour, the actors proceeded to act out what I can only term, puppet porn. Yet, this was definitely a most hilarious experience. Puppet sex complete with typical Argentine slang and jokes. A wild hour of ridiculous entertainment with fully committed actors riling up their cocktail-fueled audience. We sauntered out of the restaurant with fits of appreciative laughter as we reminisced about our surprisingly provocative and deliciously fabulous evening.