Many people back in Philly knew him as “The Duke of Voorhees”. “Duke” in honor of the ancestral blood that had flowed with renowned royalty a number of generations ago, “Voorhees” for the area of Philadelphia in which he now lived. On this occasion, the Duke was making his first visit to Buenos Aires, and as all royalty deserved, he stayed at one of the finest hotels in the city:
The Buenos Aires Palace.
It was sheer luck and a well-timed turn of events that had landed him in a high priced, delicately pampered suite. Unfortunately, the Duke was now only a duke in name. Modern classifying standards made him your run of the mill dude. Nevertheless, he possessed unique style and grace. He enjoyed the finer things in life such as good wine, good bourbon, fine cuisine, live sporting events and most of all, good cigars and classy women. The Duke arrived in Buenos Aires thanks to his woman. Her name was Victoria (a fine name for a possible duchess indeed) and she ran a travel agency that was based in downtown Philadelphia. Victoria had been put in charge of providing touristy entertainment for 50 stinking rich Americans that were there, not only to see the city, but also to find investment possibilities in the Buenos Aires American community. The Duke had very little on his agenda compared to Victoria’s hectic itinerary. Except for walking around (trying not to stray too far from the hotel) taking some pictures and picking up some good Cuban cigars, he had nothing to occupy his time. Fortunately, for the Duke, Victoria had a friend who lived in Buenos Aires. His name was Henry.
It was Wednesday morning and the Duke was alone in the room. Victoria had gone to take the tourists around town, so the Duke decided to stay in bed for while. He remembered Henry was going to pick him up after breakfast and had agreed to meet in the hotel lobby, and from there go on the hunt for some good Cuban cigars. He reached for the remote control and turned on the TV. He flipped through the channels trying to find something that wasn’t in Spanish. All he found was CNN. He turned off the TV and set the remote on the nightstand. Instead of ordering room service, the Duke decided to go down to the restaurant for breakfast. He sat up and put on the fancy, crested hotel slippers that were by the bed. He stood and walked towards the bathroom.
A few minutes later, the Duke opened the closet door to pick out something appropriate to wear to breakfast. He saw a small sign that read, “All guests are asked to wear proper attire when in the dining room and / or bar area.” The Duke decided to put on his fancy robe and his slippers. He closed the door of his hotel room and walked down the plush carpeted hall. He reached the elevators and pressed the down button. The elevator doors opened and he stepped inside noticing the shine and sparkle of the elevator’s interior. The Duke looked around at the brightly polished chrome and looked down at the rich thick red carpet. He looked up at the high-mirrored ceiling and at the lights all above him. He pressed the button that read,
“LOBBY,”
The doors closed and the elevator started its descent. The Duke looked up at mirrored ceiling. He saw the lights bounce off his semi-bald head; he then smiled as he said, “Man, can I wish I had more hair.”
A few floors down, the elevator stopped and a well-dressed elderly couple stood behind the elevator doors. Both stood staring as they noticed the Duke standing in his crested robe and fancy red slippers. He just stood looking at them while scratching his butt. “Buenose Díaz,” he said in really bad Spanish. The old couple hesitantly stepped inside the elevator without responding and pressed the button that read:
“Lobby”
The Duke stepped off the elevator and joined the flow of well-dressed people on their way to breakfast. He took pleasure in the fact that he was the only one wearing the robe and slippers the hotel had so proudly provided for him. Not knowing where the breakfast room was he turned to someone and asked, “Excuse me, donde es el breakfast?” The person he asked ignored the Duke. He asked another person the same question, and again no reply. The Duke just walked around and eventually made his way to the bar. He stood against a brightly polished rail and asked the bartender “Hey man, where is the breakfast room?” The bartender stood astonished at seeing a man wearing only a robe at the bar. He then responded in a quivering voice: “Down the corridor and to your left, passing the mirrors on your right.” “Thanks,” responded the Duke as he put his hands inside his pockets and started down the corridor. Just then, he heard someone calling him, “Sir! Sir! Excuse me sir,” the Duke turned and saw the concierge walking quickly towards him. The Duke pointed at himself and said, “Are you talking to me?” He noticed people stopping to stare as the concierge stood before him. “Sir, may I have a word with you?”
“Why of course my good man, how can I help you?” The Duke said in an overly formal manner.
“Well, hotel policy requires all guests to wear proper attire in and around the lobby and dining area,” said the concierge as he looked down at his slippers.
“But I’m wearing my fancy robe and my crested slippers, isn’t this proper enough?” The Duke replied.
“Only proper enough for your room sir” replied the concierge.
“Well I guess I’ll be having breakfast in my room then,” responded the Duke as he turned and headed back towards the elevators.
Henry was not, what one would call, an early bird. Many who knew Henry referred to him more as a night owl, staying up late and sleeping well into the early afternoon. But he remembered speaking to the Duke on the phone and agreeing to pick him up and take him out to do a little sightseeing. And most definitely, pick up some Cuban cigars. When the alarm clock went off it was 8:30 a.m. It was much too early for any kind of human interaction or social integration for Henry. However, he managed to get out of bed and make his way into the bathroom to take care of the triple S, (shit, shower and shave). He got dressed, had a cup of coffee with a bourbon chaser. It was what he considered, the breakfast of champions. Henry put on his baseball cap and decided to call the Buenos Aires Palace hotel and speak to the Duke. He called, and was told that the Duke was not in his room, and was probably in the dining area having breakfast. Henry got in his car and drove to the hotel to meet the Duke. It was nice driving in the city from time to time. He put on some Creedence and was singing while waiting at the traffic light across from the valet entrance of the Palace Hotel. The light turned green and he started to turn into the valet driveway when a longhaired dude on a motorcycle blocked his path. Henry beeped and gestured to the guy to move his bike back a little so he could pull in. The guy gave him a shitty look. Henry rolled down his window and asked the guy to move. The guy called Henry a faggot and dared him to get out of the car and make him move. Henry got out. The guy got off his bike still wearing his helmet. The guy took a swing. Henry ducked and got him on the ground and started punching the guy in the face through the narrow space in the helmet. A cop came over and pulled Henry off the guy. The guy kept talking shit and Henry got back in his car and pulled into the valet. Henry felt good cause he had kicked the guy’s ass in front of all the rich guests that happened to be going in and out of the hotel. The valet took his beat up old Falcon and parked it. Henry walked into the hotel and towards the dining area. Just then, he saw the Duke waiting for the elevator wearing nothing but his robe and slippers.
The doors opened and the Duke waited as the people on their way to breakfast got off. He started to get on when he felt someone grab him by the shoulder. He turned and saw Henry standing there with a smile on his face.
“Who the hell are you?” said the Duke.
“Dude, It’s me Henry”
“Hey man, it’s so nice to see a friendly face,” said the Duke as he turned and walked to the bar. “Let’s go to the bar”
“Great idea” said Henry.
The Duke and Henry walked down the hall and headed towards the bar.
“Hey man, I don’t think you can stand at the bar wearing a robe”, Henry said.
“Yeah I think you’re right, we’d better get a table”, said the Duke.
The Duke and Henry got a table and both picked up a menu. They opened it and looked at each other.
“What are you having?” The Duke asked.
“I think I’ll just have a coffee and a shot of bourbon on the side”, replied Henry as he put down the menu. The waiter came over and they ordered.
The Duke and Henry sat at the table having their drinks and talking about the Duke’s plans for the day. The Duke said he only wanted to make sure to get some Cubans and then after maybe take a ride around the city. Henry suggested maybe going back to his house, and having a little Asado once that had been taken care of. Suddenly, the concierge walked up to their table and said,
“Sir, I thought I told you, that you had to wear proper attire when in public.”
“Take it easy hound!” replied the Duke “I’m sittin´ down, nobody can see me!” he added.
The concierge gave the Duke a stiff mean look and walked away. The Duke turned to Henry and said, “That guy’s a real pain in the ass”.
Henry watched as the concierge walked off and turned to the Duke
“Hey man, why don’t you go up to your room and get dressed, I’ll stay here and have a beer”.
“Yeah, this place sucks!”
A few minutes later, the Duke was ready to go. They walked down the long red-carpeted hall and towards the exit. A man in a top hat was holding the door for them.
“Way to go Sugar Ray” he said to Henry and the Duke walked out and into the Buenos Aires sun.
Paul Perry
LPBA Staff
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