Mark Twain once remarked, ”There are lies, there are damned lies, and then there are statistics.” That being established, Argentina is reputedly the 8th-most promiscuous country in the world. Considering the presence of a military dictatorship less than three decades ago, I have to tip my hat on this one. But what really makes this statistic interesting, is that Argentina has somehow side-stepped the Latin American tradition of offspring living with their parents until they marry.
Imagine being in your early twenties and you nail a date with that special someone you’d been eyeing at the bar last week. You go for a coffee, good vibes all around. Lunch the following week is a huge success, so you up the bar to dinner and a movie. After the cuddly film, you hop across the street for a couple of tall boys. Things are heating up, there’s some witty banter and some playful touching. Time to make your move, but wait.
”Are your parents home?”
”Yeah, they’re probably gazing at the TV right now.”
”Gotcha. Mine too.”
Now this appears to be a potential crisis. But nay-nay my friends; not in the glorious country of Argentina. No need to scuttle off into the brush or the likes of some unknown alley. Just pop over to the local transitorio .
Sometimes referred to as a telo (Argentine pig-latin for ‘hotel’), a transitorio is, bluntly put, a hotel for sexy fun time. Looking for an afternoon quickie? No worries, there’s an hourly rate. Stumbling in at 3:30 a.m. and prefer to crash for the night? Check out the nightly special that gives you until noon to check out. The question isn’t when or for how long, but jacuzzi or sauna? Blue lights, red lights or black lights? (You’re going to love the light controls)
The fun lies in the details. These aren’t your average Motel 6 suites by any means. For all the Tolkien buffs, there are medieval-themed rooms. For all you ancient history freaks, they’ve got Roman-style decor available. I’ve seen everything from Titanic to Igloo-themed rooms. If you prefer to just pimp it out, you can get everything from double shower, jacuzzi, hovering mirrors, porch with view, tv with porno, and all the room service you can handle.
The great thing about the room service is that you don’t even have to open the door. If you happen to be donning the emperor’s new clothes and hear a knock on the door, don’t do what I did and start scampering for your undies. Just mosey on over to the door, open the bottom tier, and in slides the tray. Or sometimes there’s a prison-like shoot on the wall where food and drink are left. Make sure to pay the difference on your way out.
Still, I cannot stress enough how relatively cheap these rooms are. A standard hour in a normal room will cost anything from $7-20 USD, and even the most luxurious overnight stays with breakfast in bed the next day won’t run more than $50 USD. So splash a little.
Are you OCD? These places are cleaned after each visit thoroughly! Fresh sheets, towels and a “sterile” paper seal on each toilet to let you know the maid has come through to ensure your partner is at ease and comfortable.
For those of you hailing from the States who’ve probably never seen a real-life hooker in flesh and blood, prepare yourself. A chance passer-by will occasionally get a proposition from Miss X, who patrols the steps outside. No need to be alarmed; she’s just doing her job like the rest of us. And if you’re really lucky, Miss X will give you a slight caress and as your vision pans from silicone breasts upwards, you’ll notice ‘her’ Adam’s Apple. Buenos Aires also happens to boast some of the best trannies in all of the Americas and we all get briefly fooled every now and then.
That being said, it is also a common misconception that transitorios are predominantly for prostitutes and only a small, promiscuous minority use them with their significant other. This varies depending on the hour and location, but it’s safe to say that plenty of couples enjoy the practicality and kinkiness of these coveted locales. This isn’t to say that mom and pop are VIP clients and that some parents just plain don’t approve of their children using these places; however, it is generally socially-accepted for a young responsible couple to visit a transitorio . It won’t make you a social outcast. In fact, quite the opposite. You’ll be joining the ranks of many upstanding citizens who enjoy a bit of luxury with their intimacy.
So now that I’ve distilled some of your apprehensions about trying one of these places out, allow me to drop a few tips on how to find them. Your best bet is a google search. There are plenty of guides out there, including ranking forums that will provide much more details than I could give.
If you find yourself on the streets without the use of internet, never fear. Transitorios are actually quite common in practically every neighborhood in Buenos Aires and the surrounding periphery. In fact, some of the most luxurious telos linger on the outskirts of town. I passed by one the other day that won’t even allow entry without a car (what is this, the late-night Taco Bell drive-thru?). The first thing you look for are neon lights. If you see a neon sign that says ”Playa Privada” (Private Parking) then it’s guaranteed to be one. For some reason, rainbow lights sometimes accompanied with an erotic statue will also give it away. The unsuspecting visitor might not think twice about these hints and indications, but once you know what to look for, it’s quite bizarre how common they are.
Whether you wind up with a late night escort, need a place to be intimate for an hour, or you and your lover are just plain curious, it ain’t a trip to the Big Apple of the southern hemisphere without a trip to a transitorio .